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A Redneck Valentine

Collards is green

my dog's name is Blue

and I'm so lucky

to have a sweet thang like you.


Yore hair is like cornsilk

a-flapping in the breeze

Softer than Blue's

and without all them fleas.


You move like the bass,

which excite me in May.

You ain't got no scales

but I luv you anyway.


Yo're as satisfy'n as okry

jist a-fry'n in the pan.

Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"

right out of the can.


You have som'a yore teeth,

for which I am proud;

I hold my head high

when we're in a crowd.


On special occasions,

when you shave under yore arms,

well, I'm in hawg heaven,

and awed by yore charms.


Still them fellers at work,

they all want to know,

what I did to deserve

such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape

yo're there fer yore man,

to patch up life's troubles

and fix what you can.


Yo're as cute as a junebug

a-buzzin' overhead.

You ain't mean like those far ants

I found in my bed.


Cut from the best cloth

like a plaid flannel shirt,

you spark up my life

more than a fresh load of dirt.


When you hold me real tight

like a padded gunrack,

my life is complete;

Ain't nuttin' I lack.


Yore complexion, it's perfection,

like the best vinyl sidin'.

despite all the years,

yore age, it keeps hidin'.


Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie

with a RC cold drank,

we go together

like a skunk goes with stank.


Some men, they buy chocolate

for Valentine's Day;

They git it at Wal-Mart,

it's romantic that way.


Some men git roses

on that special day

from the cooler at Kroger.

"That's impressive," I say.


Some men buy fine diamonds

from a flea market booth.

"Diamonds are forever,"

they explain, suave and couth.


But for this man, honey,

these won't do.

Cause yo're too special,

you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,

without taste nor odor,

more useful than diamonds...


Yipeeee....Yee Ha!

Happy Valentine's Day

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Idiots in the Room

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
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