I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated
from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware,
the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified
candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I
will, however, keep your name and number on file should an opening
become available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic
endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you
were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine
taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___ Your first name is objectionable. It is just not
something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule: I asked you 20
questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about
myself.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms
by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for
something other than my personality.
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
___ You're too short. Any son that we produced would
inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
___ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition
from trying to kiss you.
___ You have a hairy back.
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily
unappealing.
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned
reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often
in conversation.
___ You still live with your parents.
___ You are older than my father. This will not work.
___ I am old enough to be your mother. This will not
work.
___ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe
of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
___ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead
me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait
that I am seeking in a long term partner.
___ The fact that you refer to the Pro Bowler's Tour
as "must see TV" demonstrates that you do not meet my intelligence
requirements.
___ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your
overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next
time.
___ Other (Explain):______________________________________
Sincerely,
(YOUR NAME HERE)
PERSONAL RESOURCES DEPARTMENT
